I suppose I am writing this is to shed some light on eating disorders. My eating disorder was much more complicated than just deciding that I was going to not eat or throw up. It wasn’t ‘anorexia’ or ‘bulimia.’ Mine was some strange combination of both and more. I slowly slipped into my eating becoming disordered. I never became so skinny I had to be hospitalized, although I think I narrowly missed that happening. But I looked healthy. Everyone told me that I looked great. I had an amazing body. My BMI was healthy for someone of my size and age, but I was SO sick. And it took years for me to get better.
My recovering started because of a screening test on the National Eating Disorder Association’s website. Something clicked when I got a result that told me I might have an eating disorder and to seek help. So I did. Recovery was extremely hard, and I had multiple relapses before I even came close to okay. Ironically enough, it was when I signed up for my first half marathon, (when I was still so early in recovery that I couldn’t run 5 miles without getting tired) that I really discovered how much I needed food. I had initially thought the half marathon would be a good opportunity for a relapse, to kinda go back to old ways. But I quickly realized that as much as I wanted to relapse, I wanted to finish that race more. And I couldn’t finish that race if I didn’t eat the best food I possibly could. And that changed my life. I took recovery seriously after that. I got into therapy, I started eating very healthy and I made a vow to never put anything in my body that wasn’t good for it, or do anything to harm it that way again.
Now, I am vegan (because I choose to be, I fully advocate eating HOWEVER makes you happy) and I love to lift, cycle and do CrossFit. I have run six half marathons, two 15Ks, four 10Ks, three 5Ks, and a full marathon. I’m active now because I want to be not because I feel like I need to be, although those feelings are still there, along with a lot of guilt for eating. I don’t know if those thoughts will ever go away, but at least I can manage them and my depression and anxiety.